


The Sex Talk

by Rubi_in_Rust



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Bisexuality, Clint Barton is a Little Shit, Crack, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is A Troll, Sex Education, Sex Talk, Tony has to be a responsible adult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 08:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16058924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rubi_in_Rust/pseuds/Rubi_in_Rust
Summary: Bucky doesn't remember a lot of things about himself or about the world since coming out of being the Winter Soldier. Being flash-frozen and brainwashed tends to damage neural pathways. Tony makes a sex joke and Bucky doesn't get it, and the more Tony tries to explain it he realizes Bucky doesn't know what sex is. Dear Lord.





	The Sex Talk

**Author's Note:**

> What does and does he not remember??? Could they convince him aliens walk the Earth? DOES HE KNOW WHAT SEX IS.

"Can you stick the meat in there please?" says Bruce, gesturing to the fridge. Natasha, Bruce, Clint, Tony and Bucky are sitting around the kitchen counter making their own sandwiches. Natasha sighs before Tony even says it, and Clint grins.

"That's what she said," jokes Tony, but he grabs the salami and puts it in the fridge. Bruce groans. 

"I should have seen that coming."

"You'd think you'd know not to say shit like that after spending this much time with Tony," says Clint, and he takes a big bite of his sandwich.

"Natasha didn't say anything," says Bucky. His sandwich is almost entirely roast beef and cheese, with 2 slices of pepper. Clint stops chewing and Tony snickers.

"I know she didn't, it's a joke."

"How is lying about what Natasha said a joke?"

"I wasn't talking about Natasha, I was talking about any woman in general."

"Why do we care that women want meat in the fridge?"

Natasha covers her mouth to suppress a chortle.

"It's a metaphor, Bucky. It's a sex joke," Bruce offers helpfully. "The meat is a euphemism. You'll get used to 'that's what she said' jokes if you hang around this gang of idiots much longer."

"Hey, I resent that, I'm a literal genius. That's what she said jokes are peak humor," Tony says. Bucky furrows his brow.

"Why is gender a joke?"

"Oh my god," Clint says, and Natasha elbows him. 

"It's not his fault he's not used to modern slang, Clint. Bucky, it's a joke about what a woman would say during straight sex."

"What the hell is straight sex?"

Bruce looks like he's going to be sick and he backs away from the table. "Oh-kay that's my queue to leave." He turns tail and heads for the elevator.

"What's his problem?" asks Bucky. Natasha rolled her eyes. "Straight men," she grumbles. "Straight means heterosexual, or attracted to the opposite gender," she adds when Bucky looks more confused.

"I'm not ready to be a father yet," Tony says and he attempts to escape. Natasha throws him a look that freezes him.

"You fucked your way into this mess, Stark, you'll have to fuck yourself out of it. Now explain to the man what sex is."

"Why can't you do it!" 

"He's not going to want to hear about it from a woman." 

"Hear what?" Bucky sounded pissed off.

"Oh, nice, Natasha, use the ol' sexism excuse, I've seen you suffocate a man with a tampon. A used tampon." 

Natasha smirked and Clint high fived her.

"Why can't Clint do it? He's a father, this will be good practice for him."

"Nah, I think it'll be funnier to watch you flounder around. Hey Nat, Where's the popcorn, we need some to watch this show.

Natasha grabbed a bag from under the counter and opened it, taking out a handful. Clint whooped and dove in for some. 

"C'mon, start the show," Clint calls

"No!" 

"SOMEBODY JUST EXPLAIN, I DON'T CARE WHO DOES IT" 

They started at Bucky's outburst. Tony groans, giving up. "Fine. Human being's genital, where they pee out of, also contain the stuff used in reproduction and pleasure. The penis likes to be rubbed, and when it is sexually aroused it will fill with blood to become rigid and during orgasm it spurts white liquid called come or sperm, and that contains the DNA of who ever ones the penis. That is stored in the man's balls sack aka testicles. Women usually have clitorises and vaginas, the vagina is a duct of muscle on their inside that leads to their uterus, the clit is a palate of nerves on the outside that is very sensitive. During sex men usually put their aroused penis into a woman's vagina and thrust in and out. This doesn't always feel good for her, since the clitoris is where most of the pleasure can be stimulated from. An orgasm is a wave of pleasure and endorphins that floods your brain and makes all your muscles clench. With women it makes their vagina pull the sperm into her uterus, and if the sperm meet one of her reproductive cells, called an egg, and attach to the uterus wall, she will become pregnant. That's why they make condoms to put over dicks so his cum won't get out and make her pregnant. And that's about it." 

"That sounds invasive and disgusting," says Bucky. He is not impressed.

" It can be cool, if it's done right. If you're not interested in sex then you could be called asexual. But there's more to sex than that, there's foreplay and kinks and all that jazz, but that's all you need to know. Good talk." Tony moves to leave but Natasha holds up a hand.

"Aren't you going to let him ask questions?"

"That has got to be the 5th to worst description of sex I have ever heard, honestly, I expected better from you, Stark " quips Clint.

"That's a really specific number, what were the other worst times?" Natasha asks.

"My parent's sex talk and public school's sex ed. At least Tony included orgasms and clits. And the possibility of trans people. 5/10."

"This is the universe's punishment for all my wrongdoings," Tony moans.

"I do have a question," says Bucky. Tony throws up his hands in defeat. 

"I am apparently your sex ed teacher, shoot."

" The Black Widow said straight sex worked like this. Are there other types of sex?"  
Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. 

"Widow, as our resident lesbian you explain women on women sex. As our resident bisexual man I'll explain gay man sex. 

"We use our fingers, mouths, and strap on dildos."

"Okay." Bucky nods

"WHAT? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY.?"

"It's all he needs to know. Carry on, Tony."

"I'm gonna make you a widow's bite that shoots back in your face," he threatens.

"Times' a ticking and Bucky still doesn't know how to have sex."

"I know how to have sex!" shouts Bucky.

They all give him a Look.  
"I'm sure I've done it before, and Tony just explained how it works," he say sheepishly.

"Right, uh huh. God, I don't get paid enough for this," says Tony

"You have a net worth of 300 billion dollars, " says Natasha

"Still not enough for this shit."

"Speaking of shit I gotta go to the bathroom, Nat tell me everything when I get back." Clint jogs down the hall whistling.  
At that moment a text came through on Natasha's phone. She frowned. "Looks like I have to leave this party early. Duty calls. You boys don't have too much fun"

"We wont have any fun. At all," Tony calls. Nat closes the elevator doors.

"I'm enjoying learning new things, I feel like this is bringing back some memories." Bucky offers.

"Of you having sex?"

"Of Steve explaining what sex is to me."

"STEVE explained sex to you? Captain Tightpants? No way."

"Yup. He was even more uncomfortable than you are right now."

"I'm not uncomfortable."

"You just threatened the black widow to try and get out of talking to me."

"I'm not uncomfortable, I'm just used to a more... Hands on approach."

"Are you saying you want to have sex with me?"

"NO, no, God, Steve would murder me if I so much as looked at your ass."

"So if Steve were out of the equation you'd have sex with me."

"Jesus Christ, where do you get off? You don't even know how to have sex with a man!"

"That's your fault not mine." Bucky smirks.

"It's Hydra's fault! I honestly want to blow them 7 ways to hell for wiping this sacred knowledge of of your brain." Bucky glared at him.

"And for wiping your memories and torturing you for years and turning you into a killing machine. I'm just gonna stop talking now."

"Stark." 

"Yes?"

"Just get it over with. Tell me how to do the sex, I can't get why it's a big deal, it's a normal human function." Bucky crosses his arms.

"Sex is something shared between 2 consenting adults or super horny teenagers, and it's an intimate and personal thing. So it makes a lot of people uncomfortable to talk about it in depth like this with people they don't intend to have sex with."

"Oh. I see.” 

“I gotta admit, you are very open minded for a guy born in 1918."

Bucky shrugs. " People like people, or people don't like people, it's as simple as that. Being the Soldier for so many years bred any homophobia or prejudice out of my system. Why would a weapon care about whether a man loves a man or not? At least they are men. Unless they are a target."

They sit in silence a moment while Tony tries to figure out how to respond to that. Bucky spins his plate while glaring at the untouched sandwich on top.

"You're not a weapon anymore. You can be whoever you want to be. If you find you like men, that's great, if you don't like them that's totally okay too, And if you figure out you don't want sex at all, that's completely fine. You don't have to feel anything or think anything you don't want to again. And if you choose something you get to change your mind, you don't have to stick to being one person all your life. You're free, James."

Bucky's eyes are wide and he stops spinning the plate in favor of meeting Tony's eyes.

"You really mean that? I can be who I want to be? I can change?"

Tony smiles softy and leans on the counter. "You betcha, bud."

The corners of Bucky's mouth turn up and he brushes his hair out of his face. "I'm free."

"You're free."

"Hey, Tony? I got a confession to make."

"What is it?"

"I know what sex is. I was just pulling your leg."

Tony's jaw drops. "You sick bastard! You made me explain vaginal sex in excruciating detail in front of the worst members of the team!"

Bucky grins and Tony's stomach flips. Wow. That was pretty.

"I have another confession."

"Please don't tell me you recorded that and sent it to Steve."

"It's not that, although that would be pretty funny. I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual too."

"Wow. Okay. This is cool. Welcome to the club of bisexuality, buckaroo."

Bucky arches an eyebrow. " Just for that I want to leave the club."

"NOooo, don't go!"

"Only if you never call me buckaroo again."

"What else can I call you?"

Bucky smirked. "How 'bout baby?"

Tony freezes. "Baby?"

Bucky ducks his head, suddenly shy. "Yeah, baby. If you want. You maybe. Could."

A slow smile spreads across Tony's face. "Okay then, baby, how 'bout we eat these subs and watch Netflix?"

"Sounds perfect." They just smile at each other stupidly for a few moments before a gagging sound comes from the vent above them.

"Gross, you guys!" they hear Clint's voice say.

"Shut up, Clint, at least that sexual tension can get resolved," grumbles Natasha

"Jarvis! Why didn't you tell me they were spying on us?" Tony demands.

"My apologies sir, but as Agent Romanov put it, the sexual tension needed resolving. This was for your own good."

"Thank you, Jarvis," says Bucky, not even bothering to hide his small smile.

"Wow, is it gang up on Tony day?"

"Nope, that pleasure is all mine." Bucky stands and wraps an arm around Tony's waist. "Baby," he says huskily.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, I had fun writing this. I gotta admit, Tony's sex ed is better than public schools. I knew so little about sex until fanfiction and fanart, so if any of you know nothing about sex hopefully this helped you.  
> Thanks for reading! Drop a comment and tell me your thoughts? Or follow me on tumblr https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mynameismeowmeow


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